The Happening – M. Night Shyamalan

Wow, the first review I got back on this movie was “worst movie ever!” so I just had to check it out.

Story goes something like this.

New York is evacuated because of course, terrorists, OR SO YOU THINK! It follows a science teacher named Elliot and his Wife Alma. People are mysteriously dying in cities all over the world and the protagonist starts to realise its not the terrorists but…. DUM DUM DUMMMM!!!!!!!! NATURE!…

ITS THE TREES….. THEY ARE GETTING THEIR OWN BACK…. THE TREEEEEESSSS!!!!! I mean seriously…. WTF M. Night Shyamala, no wonder the first time you pitched this movie you got fired! Its just ridiculous….

We are sorry for making you into paper and fueling our economy for so long with all the great products you can make. Will you forgive us please? Mr. Tree?

Your an idiot M. Night Shyamalan.

This movie gains EPIC FAIL status.

The Incredible Hulk – The new one

How good is the concept “I fucked up a movie so they should have another go at it”. because that’s what this is. its not The Hulk 2… its like… “The Hulk – the new one – with a new guy as the hulk.”

The first one was rubbish and i couldn’t even get through it, this one is no better. but then again, it will gross another fortunebecause of you nerd population who will see it more than 50 times. I have mentioned their kind in earlier blogs, but as a very quick refresher, they are smelly,don’t have any social skills and complain all the way through the movie that its not exactly the same as the comic.

Its just another painful attempt to suck the doll/parents money out of the nerd community.

and what hurts the most is it will suck so much money out of them and entice the creators to make another one, or 2….

Failed again.

WTF! comments!

What is it about this blog that attracts the stragest people on the internet… It seems to be a magnet for stupid comments and other random junk…

You all fail! EPIC FAIL!

Free cats?

Ok so i have come into a couple of cats, not gunna say how or why but look, they gotta go… probably the lamest pet on earth so if you want a really shit pet that wont pay you any attention or give a shit about you, it will eat as much food as you give it till it fkn dies of heart disease and will just end up getting hit by a car sooner or later, then leave me a comment !!

I don’t really care what you do with the stupid animal, eat it, race it for money, get a few and turn it into a rug, what ever… i just don’t want anything to do with them….

 

Gone Baby Gone

So this is a new movie with Casey Affleck in it, wait I mean Ben, no wait c=Casey is right. Oh how good is riding on your brothers fame. Its kinda like how Dani Minogue is hosting crap reality TV shows now. Winner!!!!

Anyway so a baby goes missing in the rough suburbs of Boston, so instead of getting the cops involved they get some un-experienced PI’s that know the neighborhood. I’m pretty sure it was just coz they were on a tight budget and it was like their second child so they weren’t really that worried about it. Middle child syndrome is a bitch.

So as they start to investigate the situation gets a little more deep with some drug dealers and stuff involved. im pretty sure these private investigators are not going to go outta there way to solve all these other mysteries along the way unless they are getting paid to also take down the drug dealers and other bad guys. its just stupid… it wouldn’t happen. they would just call the police and let them know there is some deeper shit going on in the case they are involved with…

so that pretty much flaws the whole movie and something barely watchable to a headache on a reel.

Cloverfield 2 – CloverFAIL

The latest edition to the ‘Cloverfield’ series of films.
I managed to get a sneak preview of this film because I’m pretty good chums with the director and producer, JJ Abrams. Nice guy, but has a hard time making a good film. Just like its predecessor, Cloverfield 2 is filmed with an ‘avant garde’ handicam style, originally taken from the film ‘The Blair Witch Project’. Now from what I know, ‘The Blair Witch Project’ was made using like 5 bucks, which I think was used to buy sauce as a substitute for fake blood. All the actors weren’t paid but the director bought them mars bars at the end of shooting as a gift for being in his film. Cloverfield 2 however, was made on a budget of about 40,000,000,000 dollars. The camera they filmed it on probably would have cost about 100 bucks from your local electrical store. Taking extra costs into consideration, including paying the actors, (including the monster), paying the camera man (who i think was drunk while filming), and spending about 500 dollars on various maccas runs during the filming process. This leaves about 39,999,000,000 dollars. That’s a whole lot of dollars. And frankly, the film doesn’t live up to the hype.

It begins with the monster revealing himself from under the dark depths of the sea, coming to wreak havoc on earth with an unprovoked, motive-less attack. Pretty much he’s just angry. It starts out a lot like the first one actually. The main character, Sammy, takes a particular dislike towards the monster and sets out on a mission to take it down, one flailing tentacle at a time. So the movie rolls on, starting to feel a little sick from the amazing camera work, any movie that induces vomiting isn’t a great thing, i can see the movie poster now… “SO GOOD I BARFED – 5 out of 5 carrot chunks”…. To cut a really long story short, the monster smashes about town as he does in the first, just this time he breaks even more stuff, and the end is wide open for another squel, I’m not sure i can sit through another one… bit of closure would be nice….

5 out of 5 carrot chunks *barfs*

Ironman the review

Well lets just say I’m glad i left it a few days after the opening to see this piece of crap, so i wasn’t stuck in a dark cinema with a bunch of sweaty fat nerds whose only outing is when they release a new comic book character movie and they put on their best Starwars t-shirts and hope to meet a nice girl at the candy bar. I’m not even really sure why they bother attending these movies because they just fkn complain the whole movie that it never really happened in the comic. STFU, Just shut up!

Anyway back to this poor excuse for a movie, so basic story line, bad ass millionaire guy goes out to desert to blow shit up to show off his new weapon he made, gets captured, makes iron man suit from bits of old metal and junk and breaks out by building iron man suit, gets a conscience and all like oh man i have wasted my life on building weapons and being filthy rich so he decides to clean up the system by building a better Ironman suit. Throw in some comedy relief and heaps of special effects and you have yourself a block buster that nerds will throw money at. Multiple times!

If I have said it once I have said it a million times, you cant just throw money at a movie and think its going to work, you will make heaps of cash outta it but it doesn’t mean its good… it means you have a good marketing team. I mean seriously, the bad guy just copied the Ironman suit, yeah must have spent weeks thinking of that. Its just shallow, dude has lots of money, decides he needs to clean up the world a little and so he makes himself a superhero costume. Dumb…. Also what sort of super hero admits hes a super hero, he would get so heckled but everyone everyday, there is a reason why no super heroes tell anyone who they are, the bad guys would just go and kill their family and drive the hero to depression and off them self…. it doesn’t just happen in every superhero movie because its cliche….

oh and if you didn’t stay till the ending (after the credits), Samuel L Jackson rocks out and is the leader of some crap organisation setting up for a sequel where there will be way to much shouting by Samuel and another piss poor story line for us all to hate…

Final note, *gets pliers and pulls a tooth out because it was less painful than to sit thru this movie*

 

Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

Wow, Really? this is the best you guys can come up with. New line should have just given up after all the trouble they have had recently with all the sackings and stuff…

Anyway, a few years after the first Harold and Kumar was released, you remember it, they go and spend a whole movie trying to get some food….. get really stoned and have crazy adventure that teenages can relate to…. apparently… well they have tried this again, but to make it a little more interesting, throw them in a detention centre. Genius… It’s pretty much about them getting into the pickle, getting stone while being in the pickle, then eating their way out of the pickle because they have the munchies.

Its pretty much just mindless crap that your average pot smoking teenager will enjoy, I dont know why they bother making movies for that demographic, its not like they are going to spend their pot money on your stupid movie.

So if you have a free night you should goto the cinemas, stand by the door and heckle anyone who buys a ticket to this movie, and maybe even check their pockets for weed because you could probably walk away with a fair bit of the stuff…

There is a reason why Warner Bros sacked so many of the New Line people, and if they keep making terrible squals to mindless crap movies, I think the rest of our New Line friends should start looking for new jobs, maybe at white castle, or Guantanamo Bay…..

OMG HALO MOVIE IS COMING!

Thats a lie. It’s not coming EVER! get over it nerds.

What happens in Vegas

OOOoooOOo New Cameron Diaz movie…. *beats head on desk*

Doesn’t anyone realise shes as smart as a fish with down syndrome? And she just keeps getting casted because she fits the role of a 30 something loser who just lost her boyfriend, I’m pretty sure she loses a boyfriend every film shes ever been in, and the only reason she gets the roll because 14 y/o girls throw their parents money at the box office because they want to be like her. BAD ROLE MODEL and she should be ashamed for prying on the little kids who could be saving their pennies for things like binge drinking.  Oh wait, that’s what welfare is for.

So just when I thought this movie couldn’t get any worse, they throw Ashton Kutcher into the mix.  well that’s a whole nother ball game. I thought he was dead, oh wait, maybe that was just his career.

So they go to Vegas and hook up which is a big coincidence apparently because they are in the same situation and are there for the same reason. WHY CANT PEOPLE WRITE BELIEVABLE STORY LINES  FOR THESE MOVIES! So anyway the movie was terrible and listening to Cameron’s voice just made me want to drag my teeth down a black board, I would have been better spending that 2 hours cutting off my toes.

Final comment, what happens in Vegas should stay in Vegas, or near Vegas… In the desert, about 50 metres underground, where no one can find it.